Want Better Behavior? Start with Relationships [Episode 278]

Heidi 0:00
This is episode 278 of Teacher Approved.

Heidi 0:05
You’re listening to Teacher Approved, the podcast helping educators elevate what matters and simplify the rest. I’m Heidi.

Emily 0:14
And I’m Emily. We’re the creators behind Second Story Window, where we give research-based and teacher-approved strategies that make teaching less stressful and more effective. You can check out the show notes and resources from each episode at secondstorywindow.net.

Heidi 0:29
We’re so glad you’re tuning in today. Let’s get to the show.

Emily 0:36
Hey there! Thanks for joining us today. In today’s episode, we are talking about how to make your classroom rules even more effective, and we have a teacher-approved tip for building positive relationships with parents.

Heidi 0:48
But first, let’s start with a try it tomorrow, where we share a quick win that you can try in your classroom right away. And if you aren’t back in your classroom yet, make sure to jot this down because you’re going to want this tip handy when you start back. So, Emily, what is our suggestion this week?

Emily 1:02
Okay, so next time you give directions, or when you’re back in the classroom and you give directions, say the student’s name first instead of tacking it onto the end. So instead of “line up at the door, Marcus,” it’s “Marcus line up at the door.” Putting the name up front means that their brain picks up, Oh, you’re talking to me, before the instruction starts, instead of catching the tail end of it when they hear their name.

Heidi 1:27
That’s such a small swap, but it’s so worth it if it means that students pay closer attention to what you’re saying. And isn’t that the dream?

Emily 1:35
Yes.

Heidi 1:36
If you like this idea or anything else we share here on the podcast, would you take a second and give us a five-star rating and a kind review? Ratings and reviews tell new podcast listeners that our show is worth checking out, so everyone really does help us out.

Emily 1:51
Okay, Heidi, let’s talk about that feeling that every teacher gets when they come back from a day out when the sub has been there and there is a note, the note, waiting on their desk for them.

Heidi 2:05
Oh, you know the note. The one where the sub tells you your class basically reenacted the third grade version of The Lord of the Flies while you were gone.

Emily 2:14
And these are the same kids who lined up fine and turned in their work two days earlier, and there were no problems. But yesterday apparently was a whole different story.

Heidi 2:23
You know, the kids are the same, the expectations are the same. So why did things fall apart yesterday? Well, of course, it comes down to the lack of structure.

Emily 2:33
Ah, yes, because a sub’s arrival brings a huge spike of spark of novelty. Even the most routine procedure suddenly feels new with a substitute. So structure is needed to balance that spark.

Heidi 2:50
Now, unfortunately, a substitute who is only with your class for a single day has a difficult job. They don’t know your routines well enough to provide the same level of structure that you do, and we will go into more detail about this in a future episode.

Emily 3:04
But that is only half the story. The bigger thing that’s missing is you. One of the strongest sources of classroom structure is your relationship with your students, and so it walked out the door with you when you left.

Heidi 3:19
Your students aren’t just responding to your classroom rules; they are responding to the person who’s asking them to follow those rules.

Emily 3:27
Yeah, so that’s what we’re getting into today. We’re talking all about why the relationship you build with your students is more important than the rules you set.

Heidi 3:38
Sounds like we’re doing a hot take, but we’re really not. We are not anti-rule. If you have listened to us at all, you know we are huge proponents of expectations. Kids need rules. Rules create predictability and safety.

Emily 3:50
And that’s why we as teachers spend hours planning transitions and consequences before the year even starts. And we should do that. It’s important because those strong procedures are the gears that keep your day running.

Heidi 4:04
But in all of that procedure planning, it’s really easy to overlook the second part. How are you going to build the relationships that make those procedures work?

Heidi 4:15
I’ve seen some teachers online recently talking about how they are not interested in building a relationship with their students, and then when they explain, it’s clear they don’t mean they’re ignoring the teacher-student relationship. They’re just not interested in being their students’ friends.

Heidi 4:30
Yeah, I’ve seen the same thing, and I was like, What are you talking about? And we are not saying that you need to be your student’s bestie. You don’t have to be the fun teacher who hands out prizes and eats lunch with their kids.

Emily 4:43
Yeah, because that’s unhelpful in a completely different way. And I think we all know teachers who have gone too far into teacher bestie territory. Instead, we are after the kind of teacher student relationship where every student knows that their teacher notices them, that their teacher wants them there, and that their teacher believes that they can do this.

Heidi 5:04
Please don’t let that feel overwhelming. Relationship building really isn’t complicated, but it does have to be intentional. You can’t land there by accident.

Emily 7:40
And unless you want to spend all day prodding reluctant kids, which who wants to do that? Then making this investment really matters. Students who believe their teacher is on their side are students who stick with you when you ask them to do something. That’s what produces cooperation, and cooperation, not compliance, is the real goal here.

Heidi 4:14
Now there are two different ways to get a kid to cooperate. You either apply external pressure or internal motivation.

Emily 5:44
So, with external pressure, students comply because they want to avoid getting in trouble, or being embarrassed, or losing a privilege. We have all had that teacher who ran a silent, perfectly behaved room on nothing but shame and fear.

Heidi 5:58
Yeah, my teacher like that was my seventh grade algebra teacher, Mr. Moffett.

Emily 6:03
Oh, you’re calling him out.

Heidi 6:04
Yes, he does not deserve the benefit of any positive PR. Plus, I think he’s probably dead.

Emily 6:10
He was very old then, so he probably is because I also had him for seventh grade algebra.

Heidi 6:15
Oh yikes! Well, you know, you know how this goes then, and you could hear a pin drop in his room. Every single kid was on task and paying attention to everything he said, but that’s because if you talked, he would scream at you in German.

Emily 6:30
Now I don’t know why I don’t remember this part, though. I don’t remember the German.

Heidi 6:35
Oh, it made an impression. Well, if it wasn’t the German, it was the heckling. You probably do remember this, Emily. He would announce that you must have a crush on whoever you were whispering to, just to shame you in front of the whole class. Now, I was a perfect angel student in that class because I did not want any, no German, no heckling.

Emily 6:54
Please don’t notice me.

Heidi 6:56
Yes, but one morning the boy sitting behind me had a question, and I don’t blame him for feeling like you couldn’t ask our teacher, so he asked me instead, and that gave Mr. Moffat plenty of material for a little stand-up act. Although stand-up is generous because he was seated the whole time, he was not a teacher that got up. But I remember how my cheeks burned; they must have been so red.

Emily 7:22
Oh, that’s so rough.

Heidi 7:25
I mean, but it worked in the sense that nobody talked. But I don’t think anyone who cares enough to listen to a teaching podcast is interested in being that kind of teacher, even if it technically works.

Emily 7:38
So we’re not getting students to cooperate through external pressure, so that leaves the other option: internal motivation.

Heidi 7:44
And this is what happens naturally when a kid trusts the adult asking them to do something. Now they’re not just avoiding a consequence; they’re protecting something they care about.

Emily 7:55
If you need your class to work on an assignment quietly, both compliance and cooperation can achieve that goal, but at a cost.

Heidi 8:04
And the cost of compliance is pretty cheap. It’s easy to produce; just make the consequences painful enough, and kids will fall in line. But compliance is short-lived; it disappears the minute you walk out of the room.

Emily 8:17
And it breeds resentment all along the way. But on the other hand, cooperation is expensive. It takes more work. You have to plan for it, and you have to keep investing in it.

Heidi 8:30
But cooperation lasts. You end up with a class that largely manages itself because your kids want to live up to what you expect of them.

Emily 8:39
And that’s why your kids are willing to follow the rules. When that relationship is strong, rules become part of caring for one another. Instead of no talking, students understand we stay quiet because everyone deserves to learn, and my talking might disrupt them.

Heidi 8:55
And instead of walk in the hallway because my teacher said, they understand we walk because other classrooms deserve respect, and the running feet will be distracting. You’re not changing your expectation, but now your students have some internal motivation to meet it.

Emily 9:10
Relationships are so fundamental to how the entire year unfolds that they are the very first tool that we teach in our new book, Structure and Spark.

Heidi 9:20
And that book comes out next week, and if you pre-order by august 17, we have some awesome bonuses to send you. The only catch is that you have to fill out a form for us because we don’t have a way to like get into Amazon and find out who bought it.

Emily 9:35
Yes, so you have to pre-order and then head to secondstorywindow.net/book to fill out a quick form so we can send you those bonuses, and we will link to that page in the show notes.

Heidi 9:46
So as you’re heading into a new school year, it’s so easy to plan a couple get-to-know-you activities and think that you’ve covered it all for relationship building, but unfortunately, it does take a little more effort than that.

Emily 9:58
Instead of thinking this is one more thing to pile on your plate, try reframing it. Scheduling time for intentional relationship building is one of the few tools you have for getting stuff off your plate later.

Heidi 10:12
Yeah, that’s a definite rarity in education. So instead of counting the lost minutes spent relationship building, zoom out and imagine the saved hours. Every time a transition unfolds efficiently, you easily save five minutes. Every time your class comes back from recess and settles quickly, you save another five minutes.

Emily 10:32
And this is just like what we talk about with teaching your procedures at the beginning of the year. The whole idea of do it right or do it all year long, that’s exactly the same thing here. This all goes hand in hand. So let’s get practical. What does this look like? The first thing is to start relationship building early.

Heidi 10:53
And we mean even earlier than you might be thinking. In her book, The Art of Gathering, which is an excellent book, Priya Parker explains that an event, whether that’s a birthday party or a professional development training, doesn’t start when the guests arrive. It starts the moment the attendees hear about it.

Emily 10:53
So, if you think of the first day of school as an event, the same principle applies. Your relationship with your class doesn’t begin when students walk through the door. It begins the first time that they hear your name.

Heidi 11:22
Which means you really want to make sure they associate that name with a positive feeling. If you have your class list early enough, there’s a lot you can do before day one. Now, I taught with a teacher who did home visits before school started.

Emily 11:36
And one of my kids had a teacher that came and met them before the school year started. It was a little surprising, but I think it was really good for their relationship. And I know I’ve heard that some whole faculties do this at some schools. They have like a certain day that they’re all going out to meet their kids, and the research shows that home visits have a lot of benefits. They are such a good way to learn things about a kid that you would never find out otherwise.

Heidi 12:02
And they’re also a really good way to start building trust with the family too. But they are such a big ask, especially if no one’s paying you to do it. I always felt so guilty not doing the same thing as my teammate was doing because she didn’t seem to think it was a big deal. But I knew myself well enough to know that this poor introvert would need weeks to recover from 25 home visits.

Emily 12:24
Oh my gosh, that, it is an introvert’s nightmare. I think having to meet that many new people in a day, I would actually die. So it is okay if you don’t have the time or the energy for that. This isn’t all or nothing. Connecting through the mail or in other ways works too. So we used to send postcards before school started, inviting kids to our open house and asking them to bring something to share on the first day.

Heidi 12:49
It’s such a small gesture, but it tells a kid before they’ve even met you that you are already thinking about them.

Emily 12:56
And if you want something all ready to go for this, we have a resource for you. It’s so cute. You tuck a star sticker into an envelope with a poem telling the students to make a wish the night before school starts, and that their new teacher is making a wish for them too at the very same time. It’s so cute.

Heidi 13:12
Or you could get those squishy star stress balls and attach the poem to those, but I think those might be a little bit tricky to mail. So you’d probably want to save those to give out in person.

Emily 13:23
Yeah, that would be perfect to give out at your meet the teacher night or your open house. And squishies are all the rage right now, so a squishy star would be perfect. But also remind yourself that this does not have to be a big deal.

Heidi 13:37
Yeah, I’ve seen the teachers online prepping whole gift bags. This is not bad. One small thing, even if it’s just a couple of lifesavers, sends the same message. It says, “I’m glad you’re here, and we’re going to have fun together.”

Emily 13:49
Once you have a way to connect with students before the first day, you need to welcome them warmly once they arrive.

Heidi 13:55
On that first morning, you can just assume that every student is secretly wondering the same thing. Do I belong here? And every interaction you have that day either answers that yes or leaves it hanging.

Emily 14:08
The easiest first step is to learn your students’ names and take the time to learn how to pronounce them correctly. If you are at all unsure, ask last year’s teacher.

Heidi 14:18
Or you can ask the student when you meet them, then do your best to get it right. I know sometimes with language differences, it’s really hard to make the same sounds that are natural in the other language. I had a student with an indigenous Mexican name, and it sounded like music in his accent, and in my accent, it sounded like a car that wouldn’t start. I never did get it perfect, but I was always respectful when I used it, and I never put him on the spot by saying something like, “Oh, that’s just too hard for me. I’ll just call you whatever.” You know, I just I did try to be respectful.

Emily 14:51
Yeah, or making a big deal of the fact of like, “Oh, I can never get your name right.” Like, you don’t want to draw attention to that. Respect is really important when it comes to names because names are so closely tied to our identity. That’s why using them has such power. Besides learning your students’ names, make it a point to have their names visible in the room.

Heidi 15:12
If you’re a teacher that uses student numbers to label things, aim to have names visible in at least three places. And if you don’t use numbers, then that step’s really easy.

Emily 15:21
And one place we always recommend having names is right outside the door. That way, when a nervous kid arrives outside your room and they’re trying to tell if this is the right place on that first morning, they know that they are in the right spot without wandering in to check. They already know before they go in, so they can come in with a little more confidence.

Heidi 15:40
And that little touch of preparation is such a gift when people are anxious.

Emily 15:44
Yep.

Heidi 15:45
Another part of your welcome is a fun way to introduce yourself. The goal is for your kids to see the human behind the teacher desk.

Emily 15:51
You can share the basics, where you went to school, what you did before teaching, but a few more personal details go a long way too.

Heidi 15:59
Yeah, you can tell them about what you struggled with as a kid, what you value, maybe that you’re deathly afraid of jellyfish, maybe that’s just me.

Emily 16:09
That’s a that’s a you thing, I think. But you could also bring in an object or two while you’re at it, like your favorite book from when you were their age, or you know, an old photo.

Heidi 16:19
Yeah, kids love laughing at the hairstyles that we all thought were a good idea at the time.

Emily 16:25
Yeah, especially if you’re old enough to have lived through the ’80s. Some of our hairstyles ask more questions than they answer, but it would be fun to show them a picture of you in second grade if that’s a grade you teach or or whatever grade you teach.

Heidi 16:40
Yes, sharing about yourself is a good way to start building connections, but this goes beyond a fun activity. To be known and liked by the people you teach, you have to be willing to let them see who you really are.

Emily 16:53
Also, build in time for students to share about themselves. Plan a few low-pressure group activities so you can get to know students, and they can get to know each other.

Heidi 17:02
An interest inventory works well for this. You can prepare a quick survey asking students what they’re into, what they’re good at, and what they wish their teacher knew. It only takes a few minutes, but it can be just the key you need to unlock a kid that you would otherwise spend all year trying to figure out.

Emily 17:18
You can even fold your rules into your start of the year activities. After a few days, you can gather the class for a discussion and then ask what they want out of this year.

Heidi 17:28
And then you can use that discussion as a launch pad. If these are the things that we all want, what rules do we need so everyone is able to succeed? Write down everyone’s suggestions and then group them into similar categories. So, for example, okay, we said listen when the teacher is talking is a rule, and be quiet during work time. Should we put those together and make one of our rules only talk when it’s your turn?

Emily 17:50
The students are much more willing to abide by rules that they help generate, which makes co-creating them a huge management boost. And if you want a deeper breakdown of running a rulemaking activity, the first six weeks of school book has a great one.

Heidi 18:05
And another helpful resource is the community building menu inside the Teacher Approved Club this month. We have broken the first five weeks of school into specific goals and created ready to go activities for each one.

Emily 18:19
There’s so many fun activities in there, and most only take 10 or 15 minutes. My favorite, actually, in the site is the “What I Did Not Do This Summer” writing activity.

Heidi 18:30
Oh yeah, that’s a fun one.

Emily 18:31
Normal summer recap activities can turn into a comparison contest or trigger a kid who is already having big feelings about the fun of summer being over. So instead, ask your class to write and illustrate something they definitely did not do over the summer.

Heidi 18:47
Yeah, maybe they did not go camping, in that which case, same kid. But maybe they didn’t wrestle a unicorn on Mars. Students are only limited by what they did not do, and if you have an imagination, that’s a pretty big field to draw from.

Emily 19:01
And this activity works because it’s low stakes and it’s funny. Shared laughter is one of the fastest relationship builders there is.

Heidi 19:08
If you are a club member, go grab that resource today. And if you aren’t a member yet, we would love to have you join us. And you can sign up at secondstorywindow.net/club.

Emily 19:19
Whether you’re already starting back, or you won’t start for a few more weeks. Take a minute to look at your plans. Hopefully, you’ve scheduled a bunch of time for teaching and practicing your expectations and procedures. Consistent rules and routines are one of your greatest management tools.

Heidi 19:34
Just don’t stop there. Before students will buy into your procedures, they need to know that the person asking them to follow directions is doing it out of love and not out of control, so be intentional about including relationship building in your plans even after the first week of school.

Heidi 19:53
Good relationships with your students aren’t a talent that some teachers have and others don’t. They are a system. They’re effort you make the same as your morning routine, which means you can build this. So to bring it back to where we started, the sub who has your class for one day is missing your routine, sure, but she’s also missing every relationship deposit that you’ve made all year.

Heidi 20:16
That’s why one of the strongest classroom management tools is the trust you build with the people sitting in front of you. When students believe their teacher knows them, values them, and is on their side, the rules don’t become less important; they just become much easier to follow.

Emily 20:31
Now, for our teacher-approved tip of the week, where we share an actionable tip to help you elevate what matters and simplify the rest. This week’s teacher-approved tip is invite contributions, and it fits right in with everything we just covered. So tell us more about it, Heidi.

Heidi 20:47
Well, if you haven’t done your meet the teacher night yet, try putting up a chart and asking parents to contribute to it. It could be a prompt like, “What do you hope your student learns this year?” or “Write a compliment for our class,” or it could be something more playful, like “Write a song everyone should know, and we’ll add it to our class playlist.” Just you know, preview anything before you do that. Or a prompt like, “What’s your favorite kid-friendly joke?”

Emily 21:12
Just like asking for student input is a great way to boost teacher-student relationships, this is a great strategy to invest in parent-teacher relationships. Asking someone to share a favorite song or joke automatically creates warm feelings.

Heidi 21:25
And when it comes to parents, you want them to think of you and your classroom very warmly. So type the instructions right now and post them on the board, or you can write them on a chart for your meet the teacher night.

Emily 21:37
And if you’ve already had your meet the teacher night or back to school night, tuck this idea away for parent conferences.

Heidi 21:44
If you really want to get ahead, just prep those conference posters now while you’re thinking about it.

Emily 21:50
Just don’t forget you did it. So set a reminder in your phone or put it on your schedule so that you remember the day before conferences that you already made these and you can pull them out. It’s a little thing, but it makes a big impression.

Heidi 22:02
Okay, to wrap up the show, we’re sharing what we’re giving extra credit to this week. Emily, what gets your extra credit?

Emily 22:07
I’m giving extra credit to the new version of the Little House on the Prairie on Netflix. I binged the whole thing yesterday. So I should preface this by saying I absolutely loved the Little House on the Prairie book series so so much. I dressed up as Laura Ingalls Wilder for Halloween one year. Like not a pioneer. I was Laura Ingalls Wilder, and I corrected anyone who just assumed I was a pioneer. No, no. So I have a lot of affection for Little House on the Prairie, but I would say my affection is not that tied to the TV show. I mean, I saw it plenty. It was on all the time, and I liked it, but I just didn’t have the same affection for it that I had for the books. I don’t know how you felt about it.

Heidi 22:50
It was so different from the books. Yeah.

Emily 22:52
Yes, and it was a little saccharine, even for me as a kid. I remember feeling like, oh brother, you know. Now we come from a non-saccharine family, so maybe that’s why. Even at a young age, I was sniffing that out, like, Oh, brother! But I feel like the new series does a really good job of honoring the original books, but not leaning too hard into the “so sweet it hurts your teeth” feeling, you know.

Heidi 23:20
Oh, that’s good.

Emily 23:22
And I haven’t read the books in a really, really long time, so I’m not totally positive about all of the ins and outs of the story. So I don’t know how closely they’re following it, but I feel like from what I’ve heard, it actually follows the books more closely than the old TV series did. So I feel like if you really, really, really loved the old version, you might have a hard time with this one. It’s probably how I feel about Anne of Green Gables. Like, I’m not even going to watch any other interpretation of Anne of Green Gables because I only care about the ’80s one with Megan Follows. Which, by the way, she has a cute little cameo in this.

Heidi 24:00
Oh!

Emily 24:00
But it’ll make you feel really sad because she’s playing a grandma. So I even knew it was in here, and when it came on, I was just like, “Oh, it’s Anne! Oh, a grandma! Oh no.”

Heidi 24:15
I don’t like it.

Emily 24:16
But she was a very sweet grandma. Anyway, all that to say, I thought it was really cute. It’s totally kid appropriate. I think it might just be a little slow for some kids, but I enjoyed it. It was a very nice, relaxing weekend watch.

Heidi 24:31
Oh, that’s good. I’ve heard mixed things because I think the people that loved the 70s TV show didn’t love some of the things that would happen. But this is such a weird cultural moment because it’s based on a real, it’s a fictional take of someone’s actual life, but that life has been so well researched since the time she was writing her stories that we have this whole bigger picture of what was really happening. So then there’s the balance of like, do you lean into the history, or do you just stick with the story she told?

Emily 25:03
Yeah, and I appreciate that they are they’re doing both. I feel like they’re do they are honoring the original story of this little family, but they’re also bringing in a lot more historical context of what’s going on. They’re in Independence, Missouri at the time, and what’s going on with the Osage tribes. And yes, I did appreciate that we have been to Independence, Missouri, so I could actually like put some imaginations to this of what it what it was maybe like there a long time ago. But yeah, I I think they did a good job with that. I didn’t feel like it was heavy handed of like we’re going to make this new raw version of Little House on the Prairie. It’s not like that at all, but it definitely is telling a bigger story, and I like that a lot.

Heidi 25:44
Well, that’s good. I have to check it out.

Emily 25:46
So, what are you giving extra credit to, Heidi?

Heidi 25:48
Well, I’m also giving extra credit to a TV show, but it’s a very different vibe. This is the Rise and Fall of Reggie Dinkins on Peacock. I think this was on like regular primetime TV, but I totally missed it last year, so I just caught this on Peacock. And it’s Tracy Morgan and Daniel Radcliffe. Talk about an odd couple. And Tracy Morgan is a disgraced former football player, and Daniel Radcliffe is a documentary maker with kind of some demons in his past, and so they’re both trying to like restore each other’s careers as he makes a documentary about Reggie Dinkins. And it’s done by a lot of the same people that did 30 Rock. So if you like 30 Rock, I think this would be your show. If you didn’t like 30 Rock, I don’t think you would enjoy it.

Emily 26:37
That’s that’s a perfect example because I’ve only seen the first few episodes, and then I forgot to go back to it. So I need to do that. But it definitely has 30 rock vibes, not just because of Tracy Morgan, but you know the whole yeah the whole feel.

Heidi 26:50
One of my favorite things is so they they keep showing you clips from like the early 2000s when Tracy Morgan slash Reggie Dinkins was at the peak of his football career, they don’t do anything to make these people look any younger. So it’s like 50-year-old Tracy Morgan pretending to be 25. It’s very funny.

Emily 27:11
It is funny. I’m excited. I got to go back and and watch the rest of that. So I’m glad you reminded me.

Heidi 27:18
Oh, good, something to look forward to.

Heidi 27:20
That is it for today’s episode. Make sure you are planning your relationship building with as much detail as you are planning your procedures, and don’t forget our tip for inviting parents to contribute when they visit your classroom.

Heidi 27:34
We hope you enjoyed this episode of Teacher Approved. I’m Heidi.

Emily 27:38
And I’m Emily. Thank you for listening. Be sure to follow or subscribe in your podcast app so that you never miss an episode.

Heidi 27:44
You can connect with us and other teachers in the Teacher Approved Facebook group. We’ll see you here next week. Bye for now.

Emily 27:51
Bye.