5 Ways to Have High Expectations and Still Have Strong Connections with Your Students [Episode 221]

Heidi 0:00
This is episode 221 of Teacher Approved.

Heidi 0:05
You’re listening to Teacher Approved, the podcast helping educators elevate what matters and simplify the rest. I’m Heidi.

Emily 0:13
And I’m Emily. We’re the creators behind Second Story Window, where we give research based and teacher approved strategies that make teaching less stressful and more effective. You can check out the show notes and resources from each episode at secondstorywindow.net.

Heidi 0:28
We’re so glad you’re tuning in today. Let’s get to the show.

Emily 0:36
Hey there. Thanks for joining us today. In today’s episode, we are talking about how to be a warm demander teacher, balancing high expectations with genuine care right from the start of the school year, and we’re sharing a teacher approved tip for resetting your habits at the start of the year.

Heidi 0:54
Let’s start with a try it tomorrow, where we share a quick win that you can try in your classroom right away. Emily, what’s our prompt for this week?

Emily 1:01
This week, try the name and compliment greeting at your classroom door. So as each student enters, greet them by name and give them a specific compliment about something you notice—their backpack, their smile, how they helped a friend yesterday, or even just, I’m so glad you’re here today.

Heidi 1:18
This takes maybe 10 seconds per student, but it sets such a positive tone for the day. Students need to know that you see them as individuals and not just as seat number 14.

Emily 1:28
Yeah, if you like this idea or anything else we share on the Teacher Approved podcast, would you take a second and give us a five star rating and review on your podcast player?

Heidi 1:38
Over the years, Emily and I have created an extensive library of back to school products. To help you find the tools that will make the start of your new year easier, today we are spotlighting our editable classroom seating chart maker. Can you tell us more about this, Emily?

Emily 1:52
Yes, I love this product so much, and I feel like we say that every time we highlight a product, we’re like, this one’s my favorite. But it’s because every time we zoom in on a product, we’re like, oh, wow, yeah, this is so good. We were so excited when we made this. So this resource not only will it help you at the start of the year, but it will be such a huge support all year long. In fact, I just saw feedback that just came in yesterday about this resource that said that exact same thing, that it was so helpful at the start of the year, but then it was just as helpful all year long. So one of the simplest, most effective behavior management tools at your disposal is your classroom seating arrangement. We kind of think of it as the classroom management secret weapon. If you are intentional about how you assign seats, you can minimize or completely eliminate so many hassles.

Heidi 2:40
In this product, we walk you step by step through our system for strategic seating, and we give you over 90 different seating arrangements, and we list the pros and cons of each one.

Emily 2:52
And we even include seating options for the carpet, so you can help minimize any problems there as well.

Heidi 2:58
Now, since you won’t know your students at the start of the year, the strategy part of assigning seats isn’t going to help you too much yet, but the desk arrangement part can be a huge lifesaver. The first thing you need to do is choose an arrangement that fits your seating options, and then you need to choose an arrangement that will fit in your space.

Emily 3:16
The last three steps of choosing an arrangement are the most crucial but often overlooked. Choose a seating arrangement that supports your teaching style. If you do a lot of cooperative work, choose an arrangement that lets students work together. Also look for an arrangement that minimizes your walking. You are on your feet all day, so do yourself a favor and make sure that you can reach each student’s seat in the minimum number of steps.

Heidi 3:40
And last of all, and this is the secret sauce, keep as many kids as possible as close to you as possible. The number one deterrent for off task behavior is proximity to the teacher. So leverage that power as much as you can.

Emily 3:54
We walk you through all of this in the editable classroom seating chart maker, and you can find a link to that in the show notes. But if you want more information, make sure you go back to Episode 97 where we lay out this strategy in detail.

Heidi 4:08
Alright, today we are talking about one of the trickiest balancing acts in teaching, especially at the start of the year. How do you hold high expectations for your students while still building those warm, positive relationships that you know are so important?

Emily 4:23
Yeah, because you want your classroom to be this magical place where kids feel safe and cared for and excited to learn, but then you have that little doubt in the back of your mind saying, If I’m too nice in these first few weeks, I’ll spend the rest of the year herding cats.

Heidi 4:39
Yeah, very, very loud cats who think that whispering means talking at full volume.

Emily 4:45
Yep.

Heidi 4:46
So how do you do both? How do you build relationships and set clear boundaries without feeling like you’re constantly swinging in between being their favorite teacher and being the mean lady who makes them redo their transition to the carpet?

Emily 5:00
Finding this balance can feel really draining. You’ll have a moment where you think, Was I too strict about the pencil sharpener rule? Do they think I don’t care about them? And then five minutes later, you’re like, Why is every single glue stick missing its lid, and why does no one remember how to turn in their papers?

Heidi 5:15
It’s an eternal struggle. But here’s the thing, you can keep your classroom running without being too strict, and you can keep your students happy without being too nice. There’s this beautiful concept called being a warm demander, which I think is the worst name, but that’s what it’s called, and it’s basically the teaching equivalent of having your cake and eating it too.

Emily 5:38
A warm demander is a teacher who believes in their students wholeheartedly. They know every child in their room has the ability to learn, to grow, to meet high expectations, and so they act on that belief.

Heidi 5:51
But they also hold the line. They communicate clearly what’s expected, follow through consistently, and they don’t let kids off the hook, not because this is some kind of power trip, but because they care too much to lower the bar.

Emily 6:03
Think of a really good coach. They’re kind, encouraging, and you know they’re on your side, but they don’t let you skip practice. They push you because they see what you’re capable of, even when you can’t see it yet.

Heidi 6:15
And that’s the thing, if you lean too far into connection without any expectations, your class might feel cozy, but it will also feel chaotic. Routines won’t stick. Boundaries get fuzzy, and kids end up confused about what’s okay and what’s not, which also is actually really stressful for them too.

Emily 6:34
And then if you swing the other way, all expectations, no connection, you might get compliance, but you won’t get relationships. Kids will behave because they’re scared or just resigned to it, not because they trust you, and that makes it so much harder for them to actually learn and grow.

Heidi 6:49
The sweet spot is where high expectations and high connections work together, not against each other, and that’s the power of a warm demander teacher.

Emily 6:58
And this isn’t just feel good teaching philosophy. Researchers have actually shown that warm demander teachers consistently get better academic achievement and behavior outcomes from their students. So it’s legit.

Heidi 7:12
The beginning of the school year is absolutely critical for establishing this balance between connection and expectation. Those early days set the tone for everything that follows. Right now, your students are watching, and they’re learning what’s allowed in your classroom.

Emily 7:26
And remember, the minimum standard of behavior is whatever they can get away with. So it is our job to hold the line, even if that means making your class practice walking down the hallway for the third time in one day, because they sound like a herd of elephants.

Heidi 7:42
It might feel over the top to expect the best from your kids all of the time, but you’re not doing it to be mean. You’re building a foundation of trust and safety that everything else in the year is built on. All the academic growth, the teamwork, even enjoying learning, it all starts with kids knowing what to expect and feeling cared for.

Emily 8:02
Okay, so this all sounds great in theory, right? But what does it actually look like day to day? Here are five strategies you can start using immediately to become a warm demander in your classroom.

Heidi 8:14
First up, connect before you correct. This one is huge, and it’s exactly what it sounds like. Make it your mission to have at least one positive, personal interaction with each of your students before any correction is needed.

Emily 8:28
And you’re probably thinking, okay, cool, so I’ll just have 25 meaningful conversations before 8:30am while also checking homework and sending attendance and making copies. But we promise, it actually is way easier than it sounds.

Heidi 8:41
Really, we promise. The key is just being intentional about it. Build time into your morning to allow for connection. That way when you need to redirect behavior later in the day, you are drawing from a full relationship bank account and not an empty one.

Emily 8:56
When students start the day knowing you see them as individuals, they’re much more likely to respect your guidance and corrections later on. You might think that this is something you can leave behind once you’re out of back to school season, but the strategy of connecting before correcting actually becomes more important as the year progresses.

Heidi 9:14
And that’s because, unfortunately, not every day in a classroom is sunshine and roses. Maybe you have noticed this. So if little Johnny had a rough day yesterday, maybe he’s frustrated or embarrassed, or he’s just feeling heavy today. If your first interaction with him in the morning is getting after him because he hasn’t started his work yet, you’re basically adding weight to someone who’s already carrying a lot.

Emily 9:38
And he does need that nudge to get going on his work, right? The fact that this added to his heavy feeling, though, might make it even harder for him to stay on track today, and then you’re both in for a long day of constant redirecting and reminding, which is exhausting for everyone involved.

Heidi 9:53
But if you can connect with Johnny first, even just a quick I’m glad to see you today, it takes some of the sting out of any correction that has to follow, and it might just cut down on the amount of corrections that he needs in a day.

Emily 10:07
A really simple way to make sure you’re connecting with students every day is to greet them at the door when they arrive like we shared in our try it tomorrow. Just a few seconds of one on one interaction can set a positive tone for the whole day.

Heidi 10:20
And science backs us up on this, and you know science has got some good stuff. So a 2018 study found that welcoming students at the door increased academic engagement by 34% and reduced classroom disruptions by 67%. That one moment of connection can have a huge impact.

Emily 10:38
And I’m going to be the first to admit that while I intended to greet my students every morning, sometimes it just didn’t happen because I was busy making last minute copies or getting another teacher’s emergency sub plans ready, or, you know, trying to respond to a tricky parent email.

Heidi 10:54
Oh the parent emails. Or, you know the mornings when you’re just really, really tired, and the thought of having to be on for 25 different personalities feels overwhelming. Some days are like that.

Emily 11:06
But even if you can’t greet everyone at the door every single day, make a point to connect with any student you have a feeling might need a little extra relationship banking that day, especially if you both had a hard day the day before.

Heidi 11:18
Now that just might mean walking around the room during morning work time, patting Johnny on the back and whispering, I’m glad to see you today. Taking just a few seconds to connect makes a huge difference in how the day unfolds.

Emily 11:31
And if you start your day with a daily morning meeting like we love to do, that is another great way to get those relationship connections in early in your day. And I have to say, even as a parent, I’m constantly telling myself, connect before correct, connect before correct. So it’s a handy phrase to know for all parts of your life.

Emily 11:50
Our second strategy for being a warm demander teacher is to set high expectations explicitly. Don’t just tell students what you expect. Show them, model it, practice it, make it crystal clear.

Heidi 12:02
Now we like to do this using our tell try tally talk method. Someone called it the 4t method the other day, and I liked that.

Emily 12:08
I know, it’s catchy.

Heidi 12:09
If you are new around here. We have talked about this extensively, and you can go back to Episode 75 for a rundown. But here’s the quick version. You start by telling students what to do while you are modeling it.

Emily 12:20
Next, we invite a volunteer or two to model it for the class, and then the whole class gets to try. And lucky them, they get to keep trying until they get it right.

Heidi 12:29
Third is the tally step, we gather as a class to discuss how trying out everything went. Do they feel like they measured up to your expectations? And finally, we talk about what we’re going to do going forward, and why it matters.

Emily 12:43
Yeah, that why piece is so important, because we want students to understand that we don’t walk quietly in the hallway just because I said so. We do it because we care about other classes who are trying to learn.

Heidi 12:54
Exactly. We’re connecting these expectations to something bigger than just compliance. And here’s the reality check. You are not done with this process after the first week of school. Tallying and talking carry on all year long. I’m so sorry.

Emily 13:11
Yeah, we wish we could just teach this once and be done, but that’s just really not how kids work, unfortunately.

Heidi 13:17
Oh, those kids. So when you notice that the recess equipment is getting left all over the playground, it’s time to call the kids in for a chat about what you’ve noticed and what they think they should do about it. When kids understand why your expectations matter, they’re way more likely to buy in.

Emily 13:34
And then Strategy three to being a warm demander is to use a warm tone with firm boundaries. And I know that this is harder than it sounds.

Heidi 13:44
Oh, right, because when kids aren’t doing what we want, it can push every single button we have. When that happens, the best case scenario is that you feel just a little frustrated, and the worst case scenario, you feel openly challenged, like they’re testing you on purpose, which honestly, sometimes they totally are.

Emily 14:03
But when we respond from that triggered place, we risk launching into a full blown power struggle. And let’s be honest, that’s when everybody loses. The kid feels bad, you feel bad, and nothing actually gets resolved.

Heidi 14:16
The best thing you can do when this happens is first to notice how you’re feeling and then take a deep breath. Maybe take a few deep breaths, depending on how bad it is. Give the thinking part of your brain a chance to catch up to the feeling part of your brain that is having some big feelings in that moment.

Emily 14:33
And bonus, while you’re doing that, keep eye contact with your little button pusher. Sometimes that pause while you’re getting your emotions under control is just enough to get them back on track without you having to say anything.

Heidi 14:45
But if that does not solve the problem, channel your inner queen, Queen Beyonce or Queen Victoria, either one works just fine, and then imagine how she would handle this moment. She is regal. She is unbothered by this little display.

Emily 15:00
Yeah, and then you’re going to slowly walk over to the student and in a calm but warm tone, say, What do you think I’m going to ask you to do? This way you’re holding the line while sending the message, I believe in you. That’s warm demanding in action, high standards with the space for everyone to try again to get it right.

Heidi 15:18
Our fourth strategy is one of the core concepts of being a warm demander. Assume every student is capable. This means you consistently operate from the belief that every single child in your classroom can meet high expectations with the right support.

Emily 15:32
Now this doesn’t mean expecting the impossible or ignoring the different skill levels, home situations, and emotional needs that your students have. And it doesn’t mean lowering the bar for some students because you think they can’t handle it. That’s called benevolent lowering of expectations, and it unintentionally limits growth.

Heidi 15:51
Who knew that had a name?

Emily 15:53
Yeah, I know I sounded so smart, didn’t I?

Heidi 15:56
What holding high expectations does mean is that you believe every student is capable of succeeding, regardless of their starting point. Even when a child struggles, acts out or seems disengaged, you don’t give up on them or assume that they can’t. Instead, you adjust the path, not the goal.

Emily 16:12
So maybe that means finding different supports or trying a new strategy, but the goal stays the same. If a student has a rough day, you hold them accountable, while also showing you believe they can make a more helpful choice next time, and you communicate that belief out loud by saying things like, I know you can figure this out, and I’m here to help.

Heidi 16:30
When students sense that you have silently decided that they can’t succeed or that you expect less of them, they often live down to those expectations. But when they feel like you genuinely believe in them and are willing to help, it builds confidence and motivation.

Emily 16:46
So with that in mind, our final strategy is to teach students how to ask for help. This might seem obvious, but many students, especially those who’ve struggled before, don’t know how to get help when they’re stuck. They may stay silent because they’re embarrassed, or they act out to avoid looking dumb, or maybe they give up because they think no one will help them.

Heidi 17:05
By teaching students exactly how and when to ask for help, you give them a clear, safe way to access support, instead of opting out of the learning process. Model and practice phrases like, I tried this strategy, but I’m still stuck. Or, could you explain that part again?

Emily 17:21
We want to show students that asking for help is a normal part of your classroom. Frequently point out that everyone needs help sometimes, even adults. Point out when you need to stop and think or get some help to find an answer. Over time, students will learn that seeking help is a strength. It’s a skill that they can carry beyond your classroom.

Heidi 17:40
Now, all of this might sound like a lot, but being a warm demander isn’t about being perfect. It’s about committing to two things. I will believe in my students fiercely, and I will follow through consistently.

Emily 17:53
Once students understand that your expectations come from believing in their potential, not from wanting to control them or make their lives difficult, then everything gets easier. They start to self regulate because they don’t want to disappoint someone who believes in them so much.

Heidi 18:08
And if you want another strategy for supporting students who might be feeling stuck, make sure you check out this Thursday’s can’t miss classic episode. It’s our last one of the summer, and we are sharing a helpful strategy for respectfully supporting students who might need a little nudge to meet your expectations.

Emily 18:25
So as you head into this school year, and even if you’re mid-year and wanting to reset, give yourself permission to expect great things from your students while loving them through the process of getting there.

Heidi 18:36
We would love to hear how you balance warmth and high expectations in your classroom. Come share with us in the Teacher Approved Facebook group.

Emily 18:44
Now for our Teacher Approved Tip of the Week, where we share an actionable tip to help you elevate what matters and simplify the rest. This week’s teacher approved tip is use the clean slate strategy to reset your habits. So tell us about this one, Heidi.

Heidi 18:58
Well, we have talked about this before, but since it is so applicable to back to school season, it’s worth a revisit. This idea comes from Gretchen Rubin at the Happier podcast, which Emily and I totally love, and you would probably love it too, and it is based on something really fascinating. Whenever life shifts in a noticeable way, we get a natural opening to reset our habits. She calls this a clean slate. And guess what? The start of the school year is one of the biggest clean slate moments we get all year. And that makes this the perfect time to ask yourself, What habits do I want to carry into this year, and which ones am I ready to leave behind?

Emily 19:36
Research actually shows that 36% of successful habit changes happen when people have some kind of fresh start, like a move, a new job, or it could actually be something as simple as rearranging furniture. The disruption to our usual routines loosens those old patterns and makes it easier to step into new ones.

Heidi 19:55
With back to school, since you are already adjusting to a new routine, you can use this natural reset to your advantage if you are aware of it, and that’s the key. The clean slate isn’t something that we can usually manufacture. It has to align with a time when your normal life is in flux. So it’s important to be aware that this opportunity is on the horizon if you want to take advantage of it.

Emily 20:18
Yeah, in some ways, I would say that back to school is an even better clean slate moment than the start of the year, when people want to do their New Year’s resolutions. Because honestly, January 1 doesn’t feel that much different than December 31, like nothing really changed other than the calendar, but at back to school a lot changed. So I feel like this is one of the best clean slate moments. So let’s say you would love for this year to be the year that you start picking out your clothes for the day the night before, or leaving work at a reasonable hour each day. You can use the clean slate to make it happen.

Heidi 20:51
So start by picking one or maybe two habits to focus on. Don’t try to overhaul your entire life, or you’re going to end up throwing in the towel before the end of the week. Just focus on one change, ideally, something that would make a big difference in how you feel day to day.

Emily 21:08
And then use this back to school energy to make it happen. Make sure you’re actually doing that thing when school starts, even if you’re tired. Don’t let yourself say that you will start it next Monday or once the back to school craziness has calmed down. That is a trap.

Heidi 21:21
Yes, don’t fall for it. If you wait to start, you will be sunk. So push through the fatigue for a few days until this new routine becomes your normal, your future self will thank you for being intentional about this fresh start.

Emily 21:35
And you can use some other strategies from Gretchen Rubin to help you with this too. Like, what’s the one that she calls it, where you attach one habit to, like, a habit you already have?

Heidi 21:43
Pairing.

Emily 21:44
Pairing. No, not pairing. Habit stacking. Is that what she calls it?

Heidi 21:48
I think someone else calls it that.

Emily 21:50
Somebody calls it habit stacking. There is pairing. Maybe that’s sort of the same thing.

Heidi 21:55
No, I think pairing’s where you’re like, I can only watch this TV show if I’m working out.

Emily 22:00
Which is a great, that’s a great strategy to use if there’s something you need to do that you don’t really want to do, pair that with something that you do want to do. And that helps a lot. But this one’s more like, Okay, I already I brush my teeth every night no matter what, and so if you just associate that, I’m going to pick out tomorrow’s outfit right after I brush my teeth, then it makes it a lot easier to get that new habit going.

Heidi 22:21
So we’ve got all the tips.

Emily 22:23
Yeah, it’s true. So we’d love to hear what you’re doing with your clean slate. Come join the conversation in our Teacher Approved Facebook group.

Heidi 22:30
Alright, to wrap up the show, we are sharing what we’re giving extra credit to this week. Emily, what gets your extra credit?

Emily 22:36
I’m giving extra credit to my new frother.

Heidi 22:38
Oh, fancy.

Emily 22:39
So I use a milk frother pretty much every day to mix up my drink mixes, because I drink lots of different things, and I have gone through so many over the years. I’ve always used the kind that have the spring type of froth. You know what it looks like?

Heidi 22:54
That’s what I’m picturing. Yeah.

Emily 22:56
And that works fine, but I do find that those are hard to clean because I think the powder just gets stuck in there and it’s hard to get out. So I really love this new one I got because it has a hook whisk, so it works so great for drink mixes, and it’s super easy to clean. The only thing I’ve found is that, because it’s much taller than the little like donut shaped frother, you gotta make sure you’re in a deep cup, or you were about to have a big mess splatter everywhere.

Heidi 23:25
Don’t do that.

Emily 23:25
Keep that in mind, and make sure you’ve got enough liquid in there before you start it too. If it’s barely covering the whisk, that’s not enough.

Heidi 23:34
Oh no.

Emily 23:34
You know, you’ll learn these things if you try this out. And I also like that it’s rechargeable instead of using disposable batteries, and it’s very powerful. But I will say, in my experience with any rechargeable frothers, even though it starts really strong, we’ll see in a few months if it’s still strong. You know, even with the recharges, that tends to kind of lose its juice, but we’ll see how it goes.

Heidi 23:56
Well, fingers crossed.

Emily 23:57
What do you give me extra credit to?

Heidi 23:59
Well, I’m giving extra credit to the Instagram algorithm, which definitely is not something I would typically celebrate on any level, but I decided to make it work for me this year. So earlier this year, I set up a second Instagram account where I do not follow anyone I know. I don’t follow anything heavy, and because I’ve curated that so strictly, thanks to the algorithm, my feed is now full of beautiful gardens and calligraphy and picture books and bread baking and all the cozy things. I scroll up before bed, and honestly, it is now one of my favorite times of the day. It’s just so calming and peaceful, and birds are tweeting and flowers are growing and everything is lovely.

Emily 24:40
That is so smart, because that is not what I’ve been scrolling before bed. And let’s just say what I’ve been scrolling is not relaxing.

Heidi 24:47
No, you got to do this. You got to save your brain.

Emily 24:50
Yep, I’m going to do it.

Heidi 24:52
I even go so far like I try not to follow accounts that show faces, because the human mind is wired to be intrigued by faces, and I’m trying not to be intrigued. I’m trying to unwind. So it’s like a lot of hands.

Emily 25:07
I love it. That’s a great idea. This is a new sleep hack.

Heidi 25:10
Yes, and you got to wear your yellow glasses to block your blue light.

Emily 25:14
Yes.

Heidi 25:16
Alright, that is it for today’s episode. Start the year strong with these five warm demander techniques to maintain high expectations and high connection in your classroom, and don’t forget our teacher approved tip to reset a habit with the clean slate strategy.

Heidi 25:32
We hope you enjoyed this episode of Teacher Approved. I’m Heidi.

Emily 25:36
And I’m Emily. Thank you for listening. Be sure to follow or subscribe in your podcast app so that you never miss an episode.

Heidi 25:43
You can connect with us and other teachers in the Teacher Approved Facebook group. We’ll see you here next week. Bye for now.

Emily 25:50
Bye.